Lauren Nolan ‘24 and Christyn Refuerzo ‘26

Artwork courtesy of Ysabella Beatriz Chiongbian Punzalan ‘24. Background courtesy of Bridget Riley.

This isn’t working anymore… I think we need to take a break… It’s not you, it’s me.

We all dread these conversations, not because we’re ending something but because really, this is not the season to be breaking up with someone.

But while most people are concerned about what they’re going to say, at a place like Sarah Lawrence, where the liberal arts 360º exists, maybe you should be more worried about where you decide to have this conversation.

We’ve decided to make it easier for you and give you some of our favorite places to break up with that not-so-special someone.

Library

Pros: there’s a lot of space and different floors so you might not run into them again; you can hide a book in front of your face if you’re crying.

Cons: voices must be lowered because people are studying; when you leave the building, you may pass the skeletons making out and be reminded that you are now single.

Our recommendation: the Learning Commons. If you’re lucky, you might get a free treat. Tutors are available for advice and guidance.

Elevator with other people inside

Pros: faster than you think, so therefore more efficient; once it’s done you can just leave.

Cons: if you get flustered easily, you might not be able to get the words out in time. Could be awkward if the door unexpectedly opens as you two are having a scream match.

Our recommendation: great for people who need to cross this off their daily to-do list.

The laundry room

Pros: if you get snot on your clothes, you can immediately wash it.

Cons: excruciatingly hot, might cause dual sweating and crying which is too much water leakage; if your laundry isn’t done yet, you have to wait there.

Our recommendation: stand in front of a washer or dryer, so a third party has to come between you. Wouldn’t want it to get physical.

On top of the Yoko

Pros: it’s semi-private since it can fit two people comfortably; shaded; acoustics are great.

Cons: no access to a tissue; difficult to get down from (might need ex’s help).

Our recommendation: not great for people who have a fear of heights.

Teahaus during Valentine’s season

Pros: you could get comforted by a really nice barista; you’ll probably get something for free; it’s really cozy; nice lighting.

Cons: it’s a small space; you might be asked to step outside if there’s too much noise; someone might be redeeming their Valentine’s tea gram.

Our recommendation: treat yourself to something nice, but optimally, you should get there before the treat sells out.

Before a 9:30 a.m. seminar that you both share

Pros: you have the rest of the day to sit in bed and do nothing; are surrounded by others (not lonely).

Cons: Sleep deprived; puffy eyes in class; potential to get cold-called by a professor in class.

Our recommendation: get to class early so you have time to regroup emotionally.

The Barb stairs

Pros: have a dramatic walk-out; you can charge your phone after.

Cons: If not careful you could trip; could disturb the people studying nearby; could flash someone going up or down.

Our recommendation: the higher up, the closer to God.

In the sandwich line during peak lunch hour

Pros: you can eat soon and treat yourself to multiple proteins or nice bread; you might be able to get extra toppings/condiments for free.

Cons: must be cognizant of speaking clearly while crying; long wait time.

Our recommendation: not while ordering. Maybe while in the middle of the line?

While Ultimate Frisbee is practicing on South Lawn

Pros: team sport; very nice environment; you could get out your aggression.

Cons: you might get hit by a frisbee; you could have seasonal allergies.

Our recommendation: wear a helmet.

In line at the Post Office at 4:30pm on a Friday

Pros: might be looking forward to the package you have; they’re playing pretty good music.

Cons: crowded, small room; incredibly busy; have to wait for a while; have to walk out carrying a heavy package.

Our recommendation: be quick, there are people waiting.

PAC Tunnels

Pros: great acoustics; warm during the winter; most private.

Cons: you could get lost; dark; might run into a sex couch; possible point of no return.

Our recommendation: bring a map and a flashlight.

The free speech board at Bates

Pros: you can put your number for a new potential lover; you can get visually creative.

Cons: they might not see it; they might not be able to read your handwriting; someone might think it’s about them; you need access to spray paint.

Our recommendation: great for people who dislike confrontation.

In front of Cristle Collins Judd’s office

Pros: you can use the sleeve of her green suit as a tissue; she’d probably comfort you; warm and toasty in the winter.

Cons: a little out of the way, requires some advanced planning; acoustics aren’t great.

Our recommendation: optimally done while Cristle is in her office.

While walking up Bates Hill

Pros: literally nothing.

Cons: really out of breath; triple threat: cold, sweaty, and sad; you could trip and fall on asphalt; inaccessible; forced to go in the same direction.

Our recommendation: no, unless you’re feeling particularly cruel.

*Disclaimer: This article was published under the Ashtray, the satire and humor section of the Phoenix. Please don’t take it seriously.

That’s So Sarah Lawrence: Public Displays of Abandonment