In Defense of the Sarah Lawrence Man
Sela Corliss, ‘26
Visual by Alexandra Fogel
In recent years, a sinister smear campaign defaming the good name of the men at Sarah Lawrence College has been running rampant and I am here to do something I was not asked to do (because they really could not care less about me) and act as these boys’ white (or I guess Gryphon green) knight. Ladies, before you throw around disgusting, harmful terms like “golden dick syndrome” and continue to vilify these poor guys, let me ask you: have you ever had to endure the brutality of having women throw themselves at you nonstop while trying to write a conference paper? Or had to get off of the meal plan because you were hit on every time you entered Barb? I mean really, let’s think about it from their perspective; these men are busy trying to reinvent the Film Noir genre, quote Camus in a casual way, and roll better cigarettes than their friends. They’re under so much stress! Add the pressure of having to reject women while still seeming available to the rest of the queue of prospects; these guys can’t catch a break!
Not to mention the level of objectification I’m sure these boys must feel, constantly being ogled and sexualized just for leaning on the wall at a party with their arms crossed, or owning a skateboard, or being near a guitar. I know that women have never been made to feel this way, but please for their sake just try your best to put yourself in their shoes. It’s like everything they do just adds to them being seen as a piece of meat or some sort of prize to be won.
Bless their hearts, these helpless guys are trying their best to get an education at a historically women's liberal arts college and they can’t get from class to class without being bombarded by another beautiful tattooed woman– it’s a battlefield! They are living their lives with a constant target on their backs. Damned if they do and damned if they don’t. They’re deemed a slut or an asshole either way– again surely something no woman can relate to, but please just use your imagination. And then if, God forbid, they punch above their weight a little bit: “golden dick syndrome strikes again.” I can have you all sued for libel.
Our sweet boys have shown incredible strength and bravery in choosing to speak up about their hardships. Said one affected Gryphon, “Type shit.” Chilling.
When asked about the epidemic of ravenous female flocking towards the male demographic on campus, another Sarah Lawrence male’s response was haunting, eloquent and poignant. With a subtle nod, he whispered, “On God.”
To further illustrate my point I’ve gathered a list of things that women do freely around campus, that, if done by a man, would be received as a calculated attempt to slut it up:
Read a paperback book in one hand on the lawn.
Wear glasses (and really work the choreography of taking them on and off).
Wear a hat or plaid shirt or jorts (styled any way).
Be a philosophy/history professor.
Have highlights on Instagram.
Play spikeball.
Say their pronouns during the first day of class without making a face.
Press the handicap accessible door button so that it stays open and the person behind them can walk through (but all while never looking back).
Offer someone a meal swipe.
Raise their hand in class (and not be wrong) (actually it still works if they’re wrong).
Say thank you to the women who work at Barb.
Listen to Phoebe Bridgers (or Mazzy Star, Mitski, Fiona Apple, or Clairo).
Be a TA.
What is it about low-top Doc Martens or a beat-up sneaker from a skate brand you surely haven’t heard of that ignites such vitriolic language from the female student body? Why is it that the minute a man paints his nails and wears rings he’s “fishing for girls with septum piercings” or “only dressing this way because he saw one TikTok of a girl saying it's attractive?” It’s hard to pinpoint where exactly the hostility towards these warriors stems from; I would guess it’s because they can’t understand La Haine on as deep of a level as a man can? Or maybe they’re jealous because they just can’t fully grasp how to have a successful incoherent Instagram account that ranges between film photography and low quality pictures of a wall? Either way, it doesn’t matter because these gracious boys have found it within their beautiful hearts to forgive all of you resentful monsters. The men have come together and are extending an open invitation to anyone on campus to partake in a one-on-one vibe sesh where you can silently watch them play an instrument, skate, or do homework. If you prefer a more public setting, feel free to attend one of their sports games and sit next to every girl they’ve hooked up with as well as their current girlfriend.
Hopefully this act of pure selflessness will silence the hate and derogatory terminology that is constantly being thrown at our brave soldiers, but, if not, I know for a fact that they will do what they’ve always done. They will hold their heads up high and turn the other cheek (more often than not towards their friend so they can discuss the physical appearance of the girl who just walked by, but what can you do?)