THE ASHTRAY
The Ashtray
Happy February, my dear Gryphons! Valentine's Day is approaching, and given everyone on campus’s Adderall prescription, I feel confident in assuming that most of you have not procured suitable or possibly any presents for your significant others. Do not stress, though, because I am here with a comprehensive gift guide that is sure to woo and wow your partner/partners from Sarah Lawrence and the surrounding New York City area.
This Valentine’s Day, Eros, who has trended in the past for being the God of Love (and his iconic celebrity wedding to Psyche), finds himself bored with his passionate persona. As the Kardashians have already displayed, 2026 is the year of the rebrand. Why shouldn’t Eros hop on the train?
This just in! I’ve gotten my hands on a new set of initiatives fresh off the President's desk. It’s amazing what you can learn from scavenging in the gold-plated dumpsters outside of the President’s new palatial digs.
In a groundbreaking announcement made early this morning, Sarah Lawrence College has introduced its plan to change its name. According to the college’s representative, growing concerns and pushback from students have led Sarah Lawrence to believe that it is important and integral to the school’s mission and reputation that it not flaunt and promote the name of an old white woman.
What follows is a cautionary tale about the perils of not reading your class syllabus. Do not let this happen to you.
Tiktok is dead and buried. Facebook is only relevant if you’re over the age of fifty. Instagram is on thin ice (and that’s only if you’re casual about it). Twitter is run by a literal Nazi. If you even try to bring up Snapchat, I’ll laugh in your face. So… What is the next big social media platform?
We received feedback directly from the community that Sarah Lawrence was feeling left out on these traditions. Sure, we have Sleazeball and 30x30, but we needed something fresh and new. Don’t worry, Gryphon Nation! We have come up with the perfect tradition, perfectly tailored to the lovely, lovely students of the college!
Apparently, we already have a few rivals. I say “apparently” because none of them are ‘real’ rivals. One of our so-called ‘college rivals’ is Vassar College, which is a joke. Every single student that I know was waitlisted from Vassar. I’ve also heard people say that our rival is NYU. I do not believe that in the slightest. I don’t think NYU even knows that we are their rival, which makes it kind of embarrassing. We need a rival who is going to actually know that we exist.