Sarah Lawrence College Announces Second Ever Football Team
Sela Corliss ‘26
In a surprise announcement at this year’s athletic banquet, Sarah Lawrence College has announced that it will be starting a football team for the first time since a short-lived run a number of years ago. This announcement has come alongside some other surprising choices made by the newest addition to the athletic community: the first of which being that the team has decided to “own their own means of production” by immediately staging a coup d'etat and coaching themselves.
The new Gryphons are making adjustments to the “outdated ways that this sport has been played for decades,” says one member of the team. In order to make the new student-athletes feel more comfortable, the Gryphons have opted to refer to plays as “rehearsed ensemble numbers.” The new, self-proclaimed jocks have also made a few more statements about their chosen vernacular:
-The football will be dubbed "the old pigskin,” but as a specific derogatory reference to the police.
-A “sack” will instead be called an ovary.
-A “hail mary” is not non-denominational enough. They will be “taking a secular stand” from now on.
-The endzones will be “downstage,” and the sidelines will be “stage right” and “stage left,” respectively.
-No more two-point conversions: “We don’t do math at Sarah Lawrence.”
The team is also abstaining from wearing uniforms; instead, the players are planning to wear any green clothing of their choosing, so as to allow them their full deserved creative expression. Some faculty members and NCAA officials were concerned about this choice, given the dangerous physical nature of the sport. When asked about the decision to refrain from padding or other types of protection, one Gryphon answered,“My art is my armor.”
Due to a lack of space and funding, the Gryphons have had to hold practices at Bronxville Middle School. Local middle- and high-schoolers have reportedly packed the bleachers at these sessions, cheering seemingly sarcastically. Cristle was also seen attending these practices, allegedly “feigning interest, though looking nervous.”
It has also been reported that the Gryphons requested that the game be kept “no contact” due to their cautiousness surrounding COVID-19 protocols. The NCAA has since refused.
One representative told our reporter, “I mean, no one asked them to make a team.”
The new team has, in addition, decided to only have the minimum number of players and decline to utilize substitutions. According to the Gryphons, this is so that every player feels equally valued and appreciated. This plan has unfortunately gone awry, as after the team’s first game this past Saturday against the United States Merchant Marine Academy, every single player on the Sarah Lawrence roster is seriously injured and cannot continue with the sport.
The team has now found themselves at an impasse, seeing as they have no players and a full season ahead. They are finding it difficult to recruit more willing participants. The team has taken to unique marketing strategies to entice students to play. They are offering a lead role in the next Naked Shakespeare production for any student that joins the team, as well as free meal swipes, rides to-and-from the post office, free Bronxville Picture House tickets, and more. If you have any questions in regards to these offers or interest in joining the team, the Sarah Lawrence football team will be in the Barbara Walters Campus Center this afternoon handing out free donuts.